Have you ever been in a relationship where at the beginning everything is going great, your partner is interested in what you have to say, he/she gives you the space that you need to relax, understands what you want, and then with time, he or she seems to be transformed into a selfish monster that only wants you to satisfy their own needs regardless of yours?
There are many factors that can influence people’s behavior in relationships, but today l want to share with you one that is universal to all couples: Stress!
The daily stresses of life trigger our brains to get out of balance, and when that happens, we naturally develop changes in our moods and behaviors.
When we are stressed out, our bodies will do whatever it takes to calm us down. Men and women process stress in very different ways thanks to our evolutionary design. When a man is stressed out, his blood flows mainly into the most primitive part of his brain that triggers the fight/flight/freeze response.
This means that a man will most likely soothe himself by either attacking, or by retreating from everything. So most men have a natural tendency to what many experts call “caving”. They like to go into their own little world, and run away from any situation that is causing them stress.
On the other hand, when a woman is stressed out, her blood flows mainly into her emotional brain, responsible for the need of connection with other people. This encourages her to express her feelings so that she can be nurtured by others, allowing her to cool down and relax.
To see how all this impacts a relationship, let me show you what can happen to a couple that we’ll name, Bella & Billy.
At the end of a normal long day, they get to meet again. If they are in the dating phase of their relationship, most likely the simple presence of each other will override their stress response because at this point, their brains are creating a strong production of feel-good chemicals like dopamine.
However, if they’ve been already a couple for a while, their biochemistry has changed, and now their brains and bodies are going to their natural way of soothing themselves.
When Bella sees Billy, all she wants to do is to connect with him, and speak about her day and her feelings. She is also expecting him to tell her how his day was, “he probably feels the same way I do”- She thinks. All Bella basically wants, is to talk and be heard and understood.
However, Billy only wants to grab a beer, sit down and watch TV (caving), munch on something yummy and forget about the world!
If Bella and Billy do not understand what is going on in their brains and biology as a result of a stressful day, they would probably think:
Bella: “Billy is such an a**hole! He is so cold. He doesn’t love me anymore, he has no interest in what I have to say”
Billy: “Bella is such a witch! She doesn’t respect my space. All I want is to relax a bit but “no”! … This is too much pressure on me, I want to run away”.
Luckily for you and I, we now know that our instinctive reactions to stress do not mean that we don’t care about our partners or that they don’t care about us. The best part is that by having this awareness about our biology, we now have the power to make conscious decisions that will satisfy both of our needs.
Billy could agree on spending his first 15 minutes at home listening to what Bella has to say about her day, and Bella could totally understand that Billy needs a cool down period with a cold beer and some good sports. In this way, they can both get what they need, and they can also give to their partners what they want. A win-win solution. Now you try it!
Do you think this new information will help you with your relationship?
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